Tag Archives: compassion

The Daily Grind: Binge Eating Aftermath

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I couldn’t seem to get myself to write yesterday. I binged intensively and I was consumed by the mind chatter that accompanied it. I couldn’t even write in my journal, a place I can usually find comfort through writing. I felt numb, sad, and deeply consumed by fear and desire. It felt like a bizarre kind of mixture between self-love and self-hate. I was aware I was binge eating, and of the fact that I was choosing to do it. I felt rebellious, rebel angry as I call it. I knew eating wasn’t satisfying my compulsive feelings but I didn’t stop, I didn’t want to stop. I could have stopped. I could have, but that would have required a return to dieting mentality.

This binge wasn’t like others from my past. It was similar in that it felt secretive, flippant, numbing, and strangely freeing but it was also somehow a response to the experience of non-dieting… a response to the intuitive eating “rule” that I only get to eat when I’m hungry.

It is a reaction to the non-dieting books I’ve been reading. Maybe it’s a reaction to giving up dieting again as they propose, but I don’t think so. I’ve been on the anti-diet train for quite some time and finding success, awareness, and compassion. Then I read Josie Spinardi’s This Side Out: How to Have Your Cake and Your Skinny Jeans Too, which led me to revisit Overcoming Overeating and Intuitive Eating. These books reminded me of all of their suggestions on how I might “fix my problem” including filling my shopping basket with “legal foods” and eating at the table without distractions.

Here’s the grind: All of a sudden I’m berating myself… “you’re not putting that box of cookies into your basket… don’t you want to legalize that?” or “you’re not really doing a good job at hunger-directed eating unless you sit at the table and eat mindfully. It’s not healthy to get online or watch TV when you eat your lunch!” It’s almost comical, I realize I’ve been having these thoughts ever since I finished Josie’s book! Not that it’s not worth reading but I’m curious about my reaction to it. What’s interesting is she even talks about the tendency to make and break rules. (All of these authors do) It’s funny because the relationship to my inner little girl, with her sass and her ribbon- clad pig-tails says, “Screw you! I can do what I want!” My conversations with her are reverting to a battle of wills instead of listening to her with compassion, hearing her, and asking her to work with me. So, this leads me back to the daily work of cultivating awareness, compassion, and curiosity.

I believe that the mind, body, and environment are interconnected. I believe they constantly work as one unit whether we want them to or not. The school of thought that persists in our society… that our mind controls our body, and that we can choose to not be affected by our environment is denying an entire body of knowledge that is available to us. A way of understanding our relationship to the world, to each other, and to ourselves. There are many reasons for this denial, but that’s a whole other conversation. I’m interested in paying attention to this interconnectedness via my senses and my emotions. I think they will tell me things that can help me quiet the mind chatter and the compulsive urge to binge eat. I think that the more I listen, the closer we will become to working together.

I’m not saying that thought isn’t a part of the equation. Thought is incredibly powerful, but I must listen to my whole self, and that means cultivating an intensive awareness. An awareness of the languages that are not verbal, not based in written or rational form. When our hand nears something hot, it’s our bodies that signal our brain. Our senses have a way of speaking that is largely unexplored and I think they may have some useful information.

Today I woke up curious about why I binged …because I’ve been practicing curiosity. I woke up reminding myself that I wasn’t any fatter today than I was yesterday because I’ve been practicing compassion. And… I woke up aware that the blanket covering me was warm and cozy …because I’ve been practicing awareness. These sensations have information in them that I can’t articulate in words, but I can tell you that they were a welcome sense of acceptance in the aftermath of the binge eating war I had yesterday.

Here’s to blogging about the whole experience! Cheers!

The Daily Grind: Sweet Madness

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In my recent work to “legalize food” (Overcoming Overeating) or trek through the “Donuts and Doritos” phase (Thin Side Out), I came to the realization that when I am physically hungry I rarely (almost never) want sweets, but my “mouth hunger” (OO)/ “non-hunger eating” (TSO) seriously wants some ice cream. I even went back to Baskin Robbins today to get three (count them… THREE!) quarts of my favorite ice cream so I would feel like I had plenty.

This paradox is such a rip-off! I hate when I clearly know that my body wants protein, or carbs, or veggies, but my diet monster wants ice cream. AHH! So, I ate some today, but of course my body feels unsatisfied because really, it wants what it was signaling. UGH!

I realize that feeding the whole self is important; that I need to find a way to satiate both my physical hunger and “mouth hunger.” I decided to take a cue from Overcoming Overeating and see if there is something that happened in my day that may have made me uncomfortable. I try to remember when I started to obsess about having ice cream…

Here’s the grind: …it was just after I got home for lunch. I had been taking photos for a special awards slideshow presentation. It is going to play while they discuss the program I was instrumental in creating as one of the reasons my division is receiving this fancy award. So far it’s great right?! Well, they tell me that they’d like to get some action photos. I say, “Okay, but that’s not what we do at all.” They don’t seem to care much. They just want generic photos of me interacting with the students. No one seems to care that the program I helped create isn’t being accurately represented. I care! This is the rub. This is why I start thinking about a mug of Baskin Robbins chocolate and peanut butter ice cream on my way home.

Of course it gets more complex…I’m hungry for lunch, which makes it seem easier, but physiologically I want protein and salad. I think, “Come on! Really?!”  …I eat ice cream. I am comforting myself and eating because I am hungry. I don’t feel satiated afterwards. No surprise there. I feel like overeating. That feeling of “no food can quite fill this hunger” is happening and I notice it. I go through the typical self battle about why I should or shouldn’t eat. I eat. I am angry and I don’t feel like I have a right to be, which makes me feel like I am “being dramatic,” so I eat. Sigh. Whether or not I’m in the right doesn’t matter. What matters is that I recognize why I am feeling compulsive. That perfectionist little pig-tailed rebel wants control over every situation and feels sorry for herself when she doesn’t have it. So, she wants an ice cream to comfort her. I have compassion for her so I feed her. Now I just need to find another way to soothe her. It’s a relief to discover the pathway because it helps me build a new one.

The Daily Grind: Eating Other People’s Emotions

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Today, I spend my day preparing my food for the week ahead. Throughout the day, I receive five phone calls from different close friends and family about serious circumstances; circumstances about health and relationships. I am a good friend. It is important to me to spend time talking to each of them.

Here’s the Grind: As I am listening to each one I realize that I am walking around my kitchen picking at the scones that are cooling on top of the stove. Then, I notice that I am standing at the refrigerator picking at the bowl of fresh berries. Then a bit later I open the bag of salt and vinegar chips in the pantry. I recognize that I am eating when I am not hungry at this point. What’s interesting to me, is that I didn’t notice when I was “testing” the scones or eating the “healthy” berries. I noticed when I was eating the chips.

Two things come to mind. First, clearly chips are still not “legal” in my mind. Second, my empathy for my loved ones creates a need for comfort or soothing, and clearly it is a kind of comfort/soothing that I don’t know how to give myself yet. So I turn to my old standard …eating. Next step: get some sleep and try to imagine what might soothe me besides food.

The Judgment Club

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For my first post I’d like to share a little story about my trip to Thanksgiving dinner. I had just boarded a flight to go see my family and a man sat down in my row. I had the window seat and he had the isle. He leaned over and said, “I hope no one has the seat in between us.” I said, “When I checked in yesterday there was no one sitting there but that was a while ago.” I felt friendly toward him because we both acknowledged how tiny these seats are and how nice it is when you have a little more room. He was an average size man, and I recently lost 30lbs (again) and am average sized myself.

A few minutes later a thin young blonde woman sat between us. The man leaned over and said to us, “At least none of us is really big. I hate it when I have to sit next to…” I didn’t hear the rest of his sentence because my anger and disappointment was consuming my entire being. This man who had shared my opinion about how nice it is to have room around you when you fly just lumped me into a category of opinion that enraged me. How could he think I would agree with him?! How could he think that I was the kind of person who was annoyed by sitting next to a fat person?! I was offended, and I had to figure out how to deal with it or I’d probably buy one of those expensive food boxes and consume my deep disappointment and anger. I found myself feeling conflicted about how to react to this moment. I wanted to scold this man for his lack of compassion, for his ignorance, but I also wanted a peaceful and relaxing flight. Was it worth my while to say something to him? If I did, would he argue with me? Would I seem like a righteous witch? Would he even hear what I said? I took several deep breaths. I couldn’t be a person who didn’t say anything. I couldn’t be a part of his judgment club. I was going to say something …and I needed courage.

As I breathed, I allowed myself to become more aware and more compassionate. I tried to have compassion for this man who offended me. I realized that he just wanted to connect, to bond. Granted, it was over something I disagreed with but I recognized that his intention was to make us feel good. I relaxed a little. The thin girl didn’t make a peep. My inner conflict was heating up and I knew I needed to speak.

I thought of one of my favorite quotes from Maggie Kuhn, “Stand before the people you fear and speak your mind –even if your voice shakes.” I did fear him. I feared his judgment and I feared his lack of compassion. So, I got centered from my heart and I said, “Well… I like it when bigger people sit next to me because it doesn’t really bother me. I figure they have enough pain and frustration having to stuff themselves into these teeny seats and they don’t need my judgment added to their experience.”

I was proud of myself. I had stood up for what I believed and I had done it with compassion. I spoke my mind even though I was nervous and uncomfortable and I had reminded him that we all deserve the room he desired no matter our size. The room we had both hoped to have when we first sat down.

He started back pedaling. He said, “Oh I know, it is difficult. These seats are too small.” I said, “Yeah.” That was all. We didn’t talk at all the rest of the flight but I didn’t feel any tension either. At the end of the flight we wished each other happy holidays and went on our separate ways.

I learned so much about myself in that moment. That man allowed me to see that one of my fears of losing weight was that people would assume that I judged fat people that way our society does. I feared that if I was thin, that I would be somehow be betraying other people who deal with fatness and overeating. I realized that if I am not overweight, I will be lumped into that category by many people whether I like it or not. I have accepted this as part of being thin. I just need to remember that when I become aware of this happening to me I can address it. I can speak my mind about it, and I will. What a relief.