Tag Archives: weight loss

The Daily Grind: Binge Eating Aftermath

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I couldn’t seem to get myself to write yesterday. I binged intensively and I was consumed by the mind chatter that accompanied it. I couldn’t even write in my journal, a place I can usually find comfort through writing. I felt numb, sad, and deeply consumed by fear and desire. It felt like a bizarre kind of mixture between self-love and self-hate. I was aware I was binge eating, and of the fact that I was choosing to do it. I felt rebellious, rebel angry as I call it. I knew eating wasn’t satisfying my compulsive feelings but I didn’t stop, I didn’t want to stop. I could have stopped. I could have, but that would have required a return to dieting mentality.

This binge wasn’t like others from my past. It was similar in that it felt secretive, flippant, numbing, and strangely freeing but it was also somehow a response to the experience of non-dieting… a response to the intuitive eating “rule” that I only get to eat when I’m hungry.

It is a reaction to the non-dieting books I’ve been reading. Maybe it’s a reaction to giving up dieting again as they propose, but I don’t think so. I’ve been on the anti-diet train for quite some time and finding success, awareness, and compassion. Then I read Josie Spinardi’s This Side Out: How to Have Your Cake and Your Skinny Jeans Too, which led me to revisit Overcoming Overeating and Intuitive Eating. These books reminded me of all of their suggestions on how I might “fix my problem” including filling my shopping basket with “legal foods” and eating at the table without distractions.

Here’s the grind: All of a sudden I’m berating myself… “you’re not putting that box of cookies into your basket… don’t you want to legalize that?” or “you’re not really doing a good job at hunger-directed eating unless you sit at the table and eat mindfully. It’s not healthy to get online or watch TV when you eat your lunch!” It’s almost comical, I realize I’ve been having these thoughts ever since I finished Josie’s book! Not that it’s not worth reading but I’m curious about my reaction to it. What’s interesting is she even talks about the tendency to make and break rules. (All of these authors do) It’s funny because the relationship to my inner little girl, with her sass and her ribbon- clad pig-tails says, “Screw you! I can do what I want!” My conversations with her are reverting to a battle of wills instead of listening to her with compassion, hearing her, and asking her to work with me. So, this leads me back to the daily work of cultivating awareness, compassion, and curiosity.

I believe that the mind, body, and environment are interconnected. I believe they constantly work as one unit whether we want them to or not. The school of thought that persists in our society… that our mind controls our body, and that we can choose to not be affected by our environment is denying an entire body of knowledge that is available to us. A way of understanding our relationship to the world, to each other, and to ourselves. There are many reasons for this denial, but that’s a whole other conversation. I’m interested in paying attention to this interconnectedness via my senses and my emotions. I think they will tell me things that can help me quiet the mind chatter and the compulsive urge to binge eat. I think that the more I listen, the closer we will become to working together.

I’m not saying that thought isn’t a part of the equation. Thought is incredibly powerful, but I must listen to my whole self, and that means cultivating an intensive awareness. An awareness of the languages that are not verbal, not based in written or rational form. When our hand nears something hot, it’s our bodies that signal our brain. Our senses have a way of speaking that is largely unexplored and I think they may have some useful information.

Today I woke up curious about why I binged …because I’ve been practicing curiosity. I woke up reminding myself that I wasn’t any fatter today than I was yesterday because I’ve been practicing compassion. And… I woke up aware that the blanket covering me was warm and cozy …because I’ve been practicing awareness. These sensations have information in them that I can’t articulate in words, but I can tell you that they were a welcome sense of acceptance in the aftermath of the binge eating war I had yesterday.

Here’s to blogging about the whole experience! Cheers!

The Daily Grind: Sweet Madness

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In my recent work to “legalize food” (Overcoming Overeating) or trek through the “Donuts and Doritos” phase (Thin Side Out), I came to the realization that when I am physically hungry I rarely (almost never) want sweets, but my “mouth hunger” (OO)/ “non-hunger eating” (TSO) seriously wants some ice cream. I even went back to Baskin Robbins today to get three (count them… THREE!) quarts of my favorite ice cream so I would feel like I had plenty.

This paradox is such a rip-off! I hate when I clearly know that my body wants protein, or carbs, or veggies, but my diet monster wants ice cream. AHH! So, I ate some today, but of course my body feels unsatisfied because really, it wants what it was signaling. UGH!

I realize that feeding the whole self is important; that I need to find a way to satiate both my physical hunger and “mouth hunger.” I decided to take a cue from Overcoming Overeating and see if there is something that happened in my day that may have made me uncomfortable. I try to remember when I started to obsess about having ice cream…

Here’s the grind: …it was just after I got home for lunch. I had been taking photos for a special awards slideshow presentation. It is going to play while they discuss the program I was instrumental in creating as one of the reasons my division is receiving this fancy award. So far it’s great right?! Well, they tell me that they’d like to get some action photos. I say, “Okay, but that’s not what we do at all.” They don’t seem to care much. They just want generic photos of me interacting with the students. No one seems to care that the program I helped create isn’t being accurately represented. I care! This is the rub. This is why I start thinking about a mug of Baskin Robbins chocolate and peanut butter ice cream on my way home.

Of course it gets more complex…I’m hungry for lunch, which makes it seem easier, but physiologically I want protein and salad. I think, “Come on! Really?!”  …I eat ice cream. I am comforting myself and eating because I am hungry. I don’t feel satiated afterwards. No surprise there. I feel like overeating. That feeling of “no food can quite fill this hunger” is happening and I notice it. I go through the typical self battle about why I should or shouldn’t eat. I eat. I am angry and I don’t feel like I have a right to be, which makes me feel like I am “being dramatic,” so I eat. Sigh. Whether or not I’m in the right doesn’t matter. What matters is that I recognize why I am feeling compulsive. That perfectionist little pig-tailed rebel wants control over every situation and feels sorry for herself when she doesn’t have it. So, she wants an ice cream to comfort her. I have compassion for her so I feed her. Now I just need to find another way to soothe her. It’s a relief to discover the pathway because it helps me build a new one.

The Daily Grind: Baskin Robbins

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So …I’m at Baskin Robbins tonight because I am, once again, allowing myself to “legalize food” (Overcoming Overeating) or going through the “Donuts and Doritos” phase (Thin Side Out). I am hungry so I’m excited to eat this. I have been brain-craving it for a few days so I am finally going to give it to myself.

Here’s the grind:  When I walk in I see the waffle cones and really want one. I have a long debate with myself about getting it or not, and decide against it because if I get the waffle cone and the ice cream I am just going too far! The calories! The points! The fat! In other words… The diet! the diet! the diet! My diet monster is raging!!! But the little girl, who seems to represent me in these situations, is begging for that cone! I decide against it again. Boy that diet monster has muscle! And …once again I am denying her/myself. Somehow, I feel disappointed in the experience with this decision but at least I am still getting the ice cream.

Then a miracle happened.

My friend who is with me orders a sundae. A SUNDAE!!! WHAT?! I have a moment of bliss! I think… I could have a sundae! …whoa. Then I realize… I don’t want a sundae… I want a waffle cone!

but of course it can’t be that easy. The waffle cones are too big for my taste. I want one, but not that big. I think… “they are too big.” I must have said it out loud because the ice cream cashier asks me if I want a sugar cone because they are smaller. I then realize that I have said it allowed and she is just trying to help me get what I want. I feel a pressure to decide so she can get to her other customers. Then I remember that I don’t have to eat it all. I do have to manage the guilt I have about consciously ordering too much food that I can’t take home, but it is worth it to me to have what I want. I also realize that, actually, that guilt is serving another purpose as well. It is a recognition that my body has a clear sense of the amount of food I need to consume to feel satisfied.

So I do just that. I eat the ice cream cone until I am satisfied and then throw the rest away. Liberating. A little sad I have to toss the cone but it’s okay. Maybe next time I will bring the cone home, and keep it in a baggie and crush it with my next scoop. The curiosity I am cultivating is making me creative… hum… this is feeling pretty good.