In my recent work to “legalize food” (Overcoming Overeating) or trek through the “Donuts and Doritos” phase (Thin Side Out), I came to the realization that when I am physically hungry I rarely (almost never) want sweets, but my “mouth hunger” (OO)/ “non-hunger eating” (TSO) seriously wants some ice cream. I even went back to Baskin Robbins today to get three (count them… THREE!) quarts of my favorite ice cream so I would feel like I had plenty.

This paradox is such a rip-off! I hate when I clearly know that my body wants protein, or carbs, or veggies, but my diet monster wants ice cream. AHH! So, I ate some today, but of course my body feels unsatisfied because really, it wants what it was signaling. UGH!

I realize that feeding the whole self is important; that I need to find a way to satiate both my physical hunger and “mouth hunger.” I decided to take a cue from Overcoming Overeating and see if there is something that happened in my day that may have made me uncomfortable. I try to remember when I started to obsess about having ice cream…

Here’s the grind: …it was just after I got home for lunch. I had been taking photos for a special awards slideshow presentation. It is going to play while they discuss the program I was instrumental in creating as one of the reasons my division is receiving this fancy award. So far it’s great right?! Well, they tell me that they’d like to get some action photos. I say, “Okay, but that’s not what we do at all.” They don’t seem to care much. They just want generic photos of me interacting with the students. No one seems to care that the program I helped create isn’t being accurately represented. I care! This is the rub. This is why I start thinking about a mug of Baskin Robbins chocolate and peanut butter ice cream on my way home.

Of course it gets more complex…I’m hungry for lunch, which makes it seem easier, but physiologically I want protein and salad. I think, “Come on! Really?!”  …I eat ice cream. I am comforting myself and eating because I am hungry. I don’t feel satiated afterwards. No surprise there. I feel like overeating. That feeling of “no food can quite fill this hunger” is happening and I notice it. I go through the typical self battle about why I should or shouldn’t eat. I eat. I am angry and I don’t feel like I have a right to be, which makes me feel like I am “being dramatic,” so I eat. Sigh. Whether or not I’m in the right doesn’t matter. What matters is that I recognize why I am feeling compulsive. That perfectionist little pig-tailed rebel wants control over every situation and feels sorry for herself when she doesn’t have it. So, she wants an ice cream to comfort her. I have compassion for her so I feed her. Now I just need to find another way to soothe her. It’s a relief to discover the pathway because it helps me build a new one.